Reflections of the undead #1

I walk the forgotten fields restlessly, aimlessly, rid of a destination and hope to find one.

I’ve lost my feelings longtime ago, far ago, I wonder why sometimes and at others I wonder why not.

I’ve lost my feelings longtime ago, far ago, I can’t remember when I had them, I have a memory of pleasure, I once had pleasure, but the memory is void of sensations, it’s there only to torment me but even that would’ve been a bless.

I often see them laughing, from the corner of my eyes, they look to me for a brink of second after they laugh, only to tell me they’re laughing and that I’m not worth it. But even after that, I can hear them laughing.

I am not laughing; am I?

I am alone, still I see from times to times souls at a distance, they’re gray, they’re skinny, they’re naked and bald. They stand there still, they’re silent. They look with empty eyes at the horizon and they turn to look at me, their eyes are burdened with absolute nothingness. They don’t feel and they don’t grasp. and then they walk away unknowing. We share the same doom, that everyone shall be doomed on his own.

I think I know peace, I think I’ve reached peace, it’s that place at the unfathomable  bottom when you’re rid of hope and feelings, then everything becomes the tasteless lifeless same and so do you. Isn’t that peace?

I am not coherent, does that statement negate itself?

Am I invisible?

I can’t remember, even when I do, that’s what I say often to myself.

I can stand the test of time, not because I am an invincible subject, but because I am the subject…. and the test.

I am no evil, I am no good too and don’t mistake me for innocence. I am beyond all essence, now you understand.

I won’t be back because I am not gone, and I won’t be gone because I am not here, and this is not a contradiction, it’s an integration.

I sometimes see pictures of when the child was a child, when the sea was the sea, and when the sun was the sun, now.. I just don’t know.

I sometimes wonder, after all, what may oblivion be?

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